By Rob Furlong
I used to think the best way to deal with my anger was to push it down deep inside of me where it had no chance of escaping, say nothing at all and give the appearance of being calm and collected.
I learned painfully, however, that this is just as unhealthy a behaviour as expressing anger inappropriately.
“Be angry, and yet do not sin,” the Apostle Paul tells the Ephesians.
“That is easier said than done!” I hear you say. “I mean, is it reasonable to think you can express anger without hurting people or damaging relationships?”
Paul certainly believed it was.
Think carefully about what he is saying.
Firstly, it is ok to express anger.
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Category: Rob Furlong – Building Better Relationships
How to express anger appropriately
“THE anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God.”
So wrote James the Just, a prominent leader of the first century church. It’s an astute observation. Think of the times you have expressed your anger inappropriately and it has led to damaging accusations, criticism, and silence.
Thankfully, James was a practical man and prior to making this statement, he provides three steps to encourage us to express our anger in an appropriate way.
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Anger can torch your relationships
By Rob Furlong
Angry people can do a lot of damage.
If you haven’t discovered this yet, listen to the advice of The Incredible Hulk’s alter-ego, Bruce Banner, who politely warns all those who would provoke him, “Don’t make me angry – you wouldn’t like me when I’m angry!”
His message is clear: “Get me angry and you will unleash the beast, and it won’t end well for anyone…”
Unresolved, uncontrolled, and inappropriately expressed anger leaves a destructive wake in relationships, both for those on the receiving end, and the angry person.
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It’s time to grow up emotionally
By Rob Furlong
“Many people may be, chronologically, 45 years old but remain an emotional infant, child or adolescent.” What a perceptive observation the author of Emotionally Healthy Spirituality, Peter Scazzero, makes here! He was commenting on how many people grow up physically but never grow up emotionally.
To illustrate his point, he describes the various stages of emotional development that we need to pass through as being: that of the infant (totally focussed on having our needs met by others), the child (where our happiness or otherwise essentially depends on whether we get our own way or not), the adolescent (where we are concerned only with ourselves and don’t express much empathy for others), through to the final stage of becoming an emotional adult.
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An end to the endless winter of the world
by Rob Furlong
In C. S. Lewis’ wonderful book, The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, Mr. Tumnus tries to describe to Lucy how dreadful life has become because of the reign of the White Witch over Narnia.
“It’s she that makes it always winter. Always winter and never Christmas; think of that!”
Under the iron fist of the White Witch, life in Narnia is devoid of love, hope and real joy.
Over the past 18 months, much has been said and written about the deep loss of hope and joy people are experiencing.
All around us, anxiety, mental stress, and fear reign supreme and as Mr. Tumnus said, “It’s always winter and never Christmas!” (I know many of you reading this live in the Southern Hemisphere where Christmas occurs in summer, but I’m sure you understand the point being made!)
People long deeply for peace of mind, fulfillment, and joy.
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Finding perfect meeting of meaning
By Rob Furlong
With the amazing increase in technological devices over the past 15 years our ability to stay in touch with each other, even in some of the remotest parts of the world, has increased exponentially. I would like to suggest however that our ability to communicate meaningfully with each other has not progressed at the same rate. If anything, it has gone backwards.
On a holiday a few years back (which included a buffet breakfast in beautiful tropical surrounds each morning) Karen and I were amazed at the number of couples sitting across from each other at the breakfast table gazing into their … iPads! In such a beautiful setting how sad it was to see people desperately checking their Facebook status rather than connecting with the one they claimed to love forever.
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Clarifying questions can combat confusion
By Rob Furlong
I had to pick up my grandchildren after school recently and being a reliable grandfather, I made sure I was there in plenty of time before the bell rang.
When I arrived, my grandson was outside his classroom door with one of his friends and busily packing his bag in preparation for leaving.
My grandson’s friend looked at me and turned to him and asked, “Is that your Grandad?”
“Yes!” answered my grandson.
And as naturally as you please, his friend said, “He doesn’t look funny at all!”
Two thoughts immediately went through my mind.
First, I was pleased I didn’t look funny!
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When you’re in a spot of bother
By Rob Furlong
Do you remember the story of Winnie-the-Pooh visiting his good friend Rabbit one day and following a wonderful afternoon tea, (where Pooh clearly ate too much) he became firmly wedged in the hole that served as Rabbit’s front door? What followed was a highly amusing – and insightful – conversation between the two of them:
“Rabbit wanted to go for a walk too, and finding the front door full, he went out by the back door, and came round to Pooh, and looked at him.
‘Hallo, are you stuck?’ he asked.
‘N-no,’ said Pooh carelessly. ‘Just resting and thinking and humming to myself.’
‘The fact is,’ said Rabbit, ‘you’re stuck.’
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When a conversation is crucial
BY ROB FURLONG
Conversation is a part of life. We talk about all sorts of things and ideas; we talk to people and yes, we talk about people – conversation has a huge impact on our relationships.
And so does a lack of it. Have you ever regretted not having a conversation with someone?
Perhaps you feel you are being given the “cold shoulder” by a work colleague or your partner is upset with you about something. You know something is wrong between the two of you, but the other person isn’t saying what (apart from a few unsubtle hints) and you are too afraid to ask.
What needs to happen in situations like these is what some have described as a “crucial conversation.”
The importance of resilience
By Rob Furlong
Every successful sprinter will tell you that the key to winning is keeping your focus on the finish line. Never look to see where your opponent is and most certainly, never look back!
In his wonderful book, A Resilient Life, Gordon MacDonald writes “…there are some (people) who stand out from all the rest…the further they run, the stronger they get…”
He calls such people “resilient ones” and describes the qualities he has observed in them; qualities that are the reasons behind the strong impression they leave on people.
The same thought can be applied to marriages. Why is it that some marriages make it through the toughest of times – even emerging from them stronger – when other marriages fall apart?
It comes back to one word: resilience.
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